Thursday, October 8, 2009

Long ago and far away

There was a time, when I first started this blog, that I thought about possible blog entries just about everywhere I was.

Rye would say something cute or surprising, and I'd mentally make a note to blog about it. Or I'd meet some interesting person or see some thought-provoking bumper sticker and think to myself: Blog. Entry.

But this past year has ripped any ability for me to think about things as unimportant as blog entries totally and completely from me. While I enjoy having a blog (and please don't kick me out wonderful BlogHer ad people!), it has become one more thing I'm not doing a very good job at.

And because of the turmoil in my personal life, the blog also just seems so secondary, so trivial, so not honest. I mean, how many of you want to read about the daily arguments? The broken possessions? The broken people?

Yep. None of you.

Me either.

I want so badly for everything, everyone, to somehow be OK.

The for sale sign has gotten easier to see. The emotions most days I can keep in check.

I feel like I'm waiting for what's next. Like we are all sort of holding our breath.

I'm ready to exhale.

Right now, the rest of Nebraska is watching the Nebraska football team play Missouri. I was on Facebook a little while ago and status updates said things like "I don't understand why we don't run!" and "I can't see Bo Pelini on the sideline!" I was happy to find recent pictures my friend posted of her new house instead.

I'm not anti-football. In fact, I think people should indulge their passions and their interests as much as they can. I think adults should get what they want - within reason, without others getting hurt - as often as they can. I mean, life's too short, right? In a few weeks, I'll be 30. Rye's been asking me if he'll be at my birthday. By this, he means my party. Tonight, I finally told him I won't have a party. I envy those adults that do still have birthday parties. I'd like to. But, you know, it's just not the same as when you're a kid. Plus, I'm not sure who would come.

I've decided to begin celebrating my children's half birthdays this year. On Nov. 17 and 18, we will have birthday cake and candles - and, yes, they can make a wish (never limit the number of wishes a child can make!) - but instead of presents, we will donate some of their forgotten toys. I completely stole this idea from my childhood best friend, who is the mother I'd like to be.

And, in the midst of the looming house sale and the apartment search and the move and everything else that will come with this big, gigantic leap into the unknown, I'm looking forward to my little ones' midway birthday celebration.

I think I'll get balloons.


Melanie said...

You're still a good, valuable and worthwhile person. Don't forget, and if you do, we will remind you.
You're a great mom. Your kids are so lucky to have you.
You're a great blogger, so keep it up. But only if it serves you, ok? Times like these are about self-preservation and making good, wise, honest choices.

There is life, a really good one, after these darker days. Promise.

Chris said...

Don't beat yourself up about the blog. Nobody's going to stop reading because you take time away. You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost.

No pumpkin farm trip planned yet. If the weather doesn't cooperate, it may be a no-go this year. :(

I can't wait to hear about the kids' 1/2 birthdays! We may have to start that tradition as well. It's a really neat idea.

Take care of you and as always, if there's anything we can do to help, don't hesitate to give us a call!

Katie said...

You're birthday party is in Austin, and I can't wait to celebrate with you! 30 is the new 20!!!