Hard seasons

I didn't even know I still had this blog. I'm 43 years old now. Rye is 17 1/2. The last time I posted here was 2011. Rye was 6. 

I think I'll start again. 

I'm a teacher now. Or I was. I am. Sort of. I work at an alternative school in the district; it offers blended online and in-person classes for kids who for whatever reason didn't find success in their traditional neighborhood school. Today is day two for me. I'm in charge of the learning lab, which basically just means I offer support to the students who come in here to work. Before this, I taught English at the high school where Rye attended and where Paige will go. I loved being a part of that staff in that building. But I quit, see, at semester because I thought we needed to move back to Omaha. I got a great job doing public relations for a former colleague of mine at a well-respected institution. There were some perks like health insurance and tuition reimbursement and two days/week at home. But I never really wanted to leave teaching. I cried every day over winter break about not seeing my students anymore. When I changed my mind and my family decided to stay here, in Fruita, I tried to explain to my former bosses what happened, what it's like to be me in my brain and my heart and all of the things, that I was so sorry I'd left, that I'd messed up, that could I please do something in the building again, anything. They said they would keep me in mind in the future. Yesterday, I learned they'd filled the cross country coaching position that I'd also resigned in December and had reapplied for three weeks later without even calling me as a courtesy to let me know they'd gone another direction. Not a call. Not an interview. I did a good job with that team in all of the ways. It's very, very hurtful, yet I know it's all my doing. In the meantime, I'm certainly grateful to be in this learning lab, in this new school, for at least this semester, which is all they know they have the grant funding for. I feel like I am constantly beginning again. 

Rye graduated early in December. He will participate in the ceremony in May. It's the day before his 18th birthday. He has been accepted to several colleges. All he says right now to people who ask is that he will go to college. I hope he stays here and goes to CMU.

Paige is 13 and in 8th grade and struggles going to school. We got her a therapy cat two weeks ago who is dying of Feline Infectious Peritonitis. The cat has a neurological form of the disease and can basically no longer walk. It's all very terrible.

Lila is 8. She likes art and baby dolls and watching YouTube on her iPad. Today and yesterday, she is/was home sick with a stuff nose, headache and fever. 

I want to visit my dad this summer. He moved back to Sheboygan. I also want to go to San Diego. We might not have the money. We never have the money for even our monthly expenses. But I still want to go.

Got to figure this out.